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[Nope. There's no answer. Because he doesn't know how to seal things... And he's not sure he can answer anything Varric has to say right now.]

[He's in his room though, being broody and dwelling like a bas.]

[Yeah, Varric definitely needs to show him how to do that. Maybe after kitty time.

And that's just too bad, because Varric's going to come talk to him, anyway. He waits about five minutes before giving up on getting an answer, and heads over to knock on Anders's door.]

Come on, Blondie, open up.

[There's no response for a minute or two. Before something rustles.]

What is it, Varric?

[The door still doesn't open.]

You really want me to tell you what it is from out in the hall?

[Because Varric doesn't really want to. Although that's more because half of what it is is 'here, I got a stuffed cat for you,' and that's not the kind of thing Varric really wants to be announcing where people can overhear it.]

... No, I suppose not.

[The door creaks open, finally. Guess who looks a mess? And the first two don't count. Paler than usual, dark circles under the eyes, the works.]

What is it?

[...oh, Andraste damn it, Anders.]

It's several things, actually, but the first one just got answered for me. Are you taking care of yourself at all?

[He's not going to shoulder his way into the room, but he's definitely going to get up in Anders's personal space, if he doesn't let him in.]

[It would be a lot easier to block a dwarf out of a room if Anders were built more like a tank than a mage. Even if he wanted to keep Varric out, he couldn't.]

[Because... as much as he protests, it's very good to see Varric again. He shifts, stepping aside a little.]

Do you have to ask? [He scrubs a hand over his face.] Please, don't play games... just tell me what it is you needed.

[Varric slides on into the room, angled slightly away from Anders as he does, mostly so Anders hopefully won't notice that there's a bit of a bulge on one side of his coat, where the stuffed cat he's brought is hiding in his inside pocket.]

I'm not playing games, Blondie, I worry about you. Told you, it's a full time job.

[Then he sighs slightly. Might as well get the less pleasant, more serious part over with first.]

What happened?

[Yeah, he knows the gist of what happened, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to hear it from Anders himself.]

[No, he doesn't notice. He lets Varric slide in, before closing the door firmly behind him, and leaning against it. As if he's worried someone else is going to come banging it down at any moment.]

[And maybe they will.]

[He brushes some hair out of his face before saying anything further.]

... I don't remember.

[And despite the fact he hasn't met Varric's gaze, the words are, surprisingly, honest.]

I saw her face. I remember feeling angry -- she was wandering around as if nothing had happened. As if she had no remorse, no regret for what she'd done.

And then, I... I was on the ground. Only to wake up, here, in my room.

[None of that is good.

Well, he supposes it's good in the sense that it wasn't Anders going around attacking people, whatever his motivations, but that really isn't all that much comfort.

Especially since it means apparently Justice is.]

Was he satisfied with that, or do you think it'll happen again?

[He won't deny he wanted to see Kloe punished. He wanted to see her hurt for what she'd unleashed, and what it had done to those he cared for.]

[But he hadn't gone after her -- he would have remembered doing that.]

I... wish I could answer that, Varric.

[It wouldn't be the first time lately that his memory has gone fuzzy. The whole party is a half-remembered blur. The mage rubs at his temples, suddenly feeling a little ill.]

But I don't know anymore. I... just don't know.

[He stays silent for a moment.]

Was this happening before, in Kirkwall, or just since you got here?

[Varric's not sure the answer will be of any help right now - except maybe that if it's only been happening here, it might be something about this place - but that doesn't mean it won't potentially help when he gets back.]

[He slowly slides down against the door, until he's sitting against it, his head bowed.]

In Kirkwall... I... I remember finding a book. Old Tevinter magics. And afterward... things become hazy. Unclear. I know what happened. I know I was responsible. But...

[He scrubs his hands against his face again.]

I know why I did it. It was what needed to be done. There was no other way to accomplish anything.

[There is a sudden undertone of conviction to his words. Yes. It's not clear because it was so long ago. Because it was so drastic. But it was right. It had to be done. No compromise. No mercy.]

Edited 2011-11-15 07:23 (UTC)

[And all of that is being carefully, meticulously filed away. Varric doesn't know what it means that Anders comes from ahead of him and Hawke, or what it'll mean for when they go back.

But he does know that he's going to learn everything he can, and if he gets the opportunity, use the information the best way he can.]

Nothing's black and white like that, Blondie. Not in Kirkwall -

[Varric should know; he lives square in the middle of shades of gray.]

- and definitely not here, where there's so much we don't know. So much that doesn't even follow what little rules we had in Kirkwall.

[It won't mean anything good, likely. But there's not a lot they can do about it right now.]

[There's not a lot they can do, no matter what happens. And when that thought hits, he sort of curls in on himself a little. It was for the best -- this was all... Wasn't it?]

Yes, it is. Any opportunity for compromise brought us nothing but more fighting. That was never going to work. There is no happy medium, not in our plight.

[He shakes his head, then.]

Is that all you wanted?

[Yes, it's dismissive. But... this conversation is going somewhere dark. Maybe he should... at least try to cut it off. Even if Varric knows, what good will it do? The one thing he does remember, with perfect clarity, is wanting to keep his friends out of the mess he made.]

[Whatever happens... it will fall on my head. Not yours.]

Edited 2011-11-15 08:16 (UTC)

[Varric raises an eyebrow at that dismissal, but he's not going to push it. Arguing further wasn't going to accomplish anything.

Or at least not anything good, though it might serve to poke Justice into another appearance.]

No, it wasn't. But I don't know if I should give you what I came here to, if you can't even take care of yourself.

[... probably for the best that Varric not push it. If Justice ever turned on his friends, Anders would officially lose any sense of sanity he had left.]

I'm still alive, aren't I? That... should qualify for something.

[Locking himself in? Safer for everyone. Even if it means cutting himself off from people, food, whatever. Under the dismissal, the idealism and ranting... there's a lot of fear.]

[But some part of what Varric says registers.]

Give me what?

It doesn't. Not to the people who care about you. Being alive isn't the same as living, Blondie.

[Especially since now all that means is that Varric is going to be coming by daily to pester him. Maybe bring along some food.

And then he grimaces slightly at Anders's question. This had seemed easier when he first thought about it, and when he wasn't actually about to go 'hey, got you a stuffed kitty,' to one of his friends. This is why he usually just stuck to showing affection by way of buying people drinks and paying off other people to protect them.]

This.

[His voice is a bit gruff as he reaches into his coat pocket, and pulls out a stuffed kitten. A stuffed tabby kitten, to be more accurate, and pretty close to life sized.]

You make it sound as if I have a choice.

[Since he's fairly sure there's a punishment coming down the line.]

[He looks over at Varric then, somewhat expectantly. He's not sure what's going on. Varric... doesn't do gifts. He even turned down the pillow Anders tried to give him earlier.]

[So he's even more confused when there is... suddenly... a cat. In Varric's hand. Granted, it's stuffed, but still.]

[He takes one look at it, and... miracle of miracles... actually laughs.]

That's... That's a cat. You found a cat?

There's a choice of going out to get food.

[Yeah, so is Varric. He's not exactly happy about this knowledge, but there's nothing he can do about it now. When, or if, the time for punishment comes, he'll follow Hawke. For now, he can just bring Anders some damn food under the guise of pestering the shit out of him.

Varric just raises an eyebrow at Anders's look, refusing to be awkward about this. Well, all right, refusing to show that he's awkward about it.

And then Anders laughs, and right there, it's pretty much worth it. It's rare to see Anders smile even more, let alone laugh.]

Yeah, it's a cat. Thought you could do with a little cheering up.

[Take the Andraste-cursed cat, Anders. Varric's still got three more in his room, plus one hand puppet, he can at least be rid of one of them.]

I... Yes. I suppose there is.

[Food, and sleep. Both of which are in short supply right now. It can probably be chalked up to the pseudo-guilt. He doesn't regret that Kloe was hurt. What he does regret is his loss of control.]

[The laugh dies away quickly, but there's still a smile hovering on his face.]

I never thought I'd see a cat in this place. At least... never one of the proper size.

[Don't worry, bro, he'll take it, and sort of turn it over in his hands.]

Thank you... Varric. For everything.

What pumpkins?

[Why is everyone asking after the pumpkins, really? Is nobody glad that they're gone?]

A couple of them were different from the rest. They actually replied, if you talked to them.

[Oh, he's definitely glad they're gone, for the most part. These ones just seemed to actually know something.]

Oh.

[She's heard of those, from a few people actually. But she didn't talk to them herself so they don't easily spring to mind.]

That's what Riku wanted to talk to you about.

[Whoops, should she have sealed this? Oh well. She's pretty sure he didn't lie about that. She's pretty sure that this is the Varric he asked for. The one he killed.

Yeah, she probably should have sealed this.]

[Yeah, sealing might've been nice. But he's not going to seal it now, since he figures that'll probably just look suspicious. He'll just be vague instead.]

Yeah, the pumpkins were on a lot of people's minds. Probably still are, if only because not knowing things makes people curious.

Maybe somebody moved them.

[Or destroyed them, but she isn't going to say that.]

It's looking like that's likely. Either somewhere else around the Keep, and we just haven't found them yet, or back to where ever they came from.

[Yeah, he's seeing that as an option, too. Which would be a shame. They were helpful, for the most part, and the one he'd talked to had been nice. For a pumpkin.]

Well, a pumpkin has to come from a garden.

[The fact that it's a carved-and-talking pumpkin doesn't really change that.]

Suppose they're growing pumpkins somewhere else, not in the kitchen garden.

[That would mean there would need to be sunlight, fresh air, earth - even if it was in pots - a whole other part of this world. Or maybe a new world entirely.]

Sure!

[Automatic reaction, because that is what Flynn calls her.]

But my name is Rapunzel.

[And this makes him chuckle a bit, though she can't hear it.]

Another Blondie. Looks like that's something of a popular name here.

Not that I'd ever object to your company, Dandelion.

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