sayhitobianca | [Text] - Sealed to Riku

[...well, shit.

Riku can't help but feel caught by this message. It's not that he's been -avoiding- Varric, it's just... yeah, okay, he's been avoiding Varric. How can he face him? He can't, not after that.

But then again, he probably owes it to Varric to own up to it. To at least -try- and make up for it.

Even so, it still takes effort to write the words.]

Sure. Where are you?

[All of the do not want. It is his.]

[And here Varric's feeling awkward because he thinks he owes Riku. An apology at least, and he's never been any good at those.

Particularly not the 'hey, sorry I went insane and tried to kill you' kind.]

Same place I usually am, but we can meet somewhere else if you're not keen on the stable tower.

That's fine.

[JUDGMENT TIME.

Riku's not exactly looking forward to this talk as he makes his way to the stable tower. But when he finally enters, he looks just like the Riku Varric's used to.

Ta-daaaaa!]

[Varric doesn't reply to that, just sets the journal aside, stacking up the books, papers, and notebooks scattered around him into a more or less neat pile, and waits for Riku to show up.

When he does, looking like himself, there's a bit of a relief. Hard as any kind of apology is, he'd dislike it even more if he'd had to give it to what looked like a stranger.]

Good to see you.

[Looking like you, but he doesn't say that part. He's going to get the apology over with, before he makes it obvious that he's got questions.]

Look, Silver, I-

[And he cuts off, grimacing slightly. Damn does he hate this.]

Have a seat?

[Riku nods at the greeting, making his way over to Varric's table. Once there, he hesitates, not really wanting to sit, but again feeling like he owes it to the other man.

But at Varric's invitation, he finally does, though it's obvious from how he sits that he's not really comfortable doing so. But sitting finally forces him into action--he swallows his discomfort, glancing away from Varric and down to the table itself, and forces out the words:]

I'm sorry.

[It's hard to form the words, and he doesn't really feel much better for having said them. He looks back up to Varric, a tiny part of him glad for the blindfold that hides his vulnerability.]

I should have listened to you when you said to leave.

[It's his fault.]

Maybe if I had, you--

["--wouldn't have died."

But he can't say it.]

[An apology is pretty much the last thing Varric's expecting. It throws him off, however briefly, and for a moment he's silent, just looking at Riku as he talks.

But then - oh, no. Varric's not going to have any of this.]

Are you forgetting the part where I attacked you? You didn't do anything I wouldn't expect you to do, anything I'm not grateful for.

[He shakes his head, moving to pour himself a drink - and talking while he does, because this is easier if he doesn't actually have to look at him.]

I'm the one that owes you an apology. I shouldn't have done what I did, shouldn't have put you, or anyone else, at risk like that. I never should have put you in that situation.

[Wait, -what-? Riku's not expecting that. His head snaps up at that, and for a moment all he can do is listen in shocked silence.

But then he's shaking his head again.]

No, you didn't know. It's not your fault.

[Why is he apologizing? Riku feels like the world's turned on its head--it's -his- fault, it's his fault Varric died and the other man is apologizing to -him-? He was not prepared for this.]

I should've-- found another way.

[Looks like they both surprised each other.]

I know better than to take risks like that. Always comes back to bite you in the ass.

[If he'd been thinking clearly, he wouldn't have. But he hadn't been, and he did. Should've known better.]

More my fault than yours. If we really want to be pointing fingers, though, I'd prefer looking to the source.

[Either Kloe or Deior, actually, both're equally good.]

There wasn't another way, Silver. If it wasn't you, it would've had to have been someone else. More people might've been hurt. Not saying that I wanted it to be you. I never would've wanted you to have to do something like that.

[He knows what it's like, having to kill someone you know. It's not even close to easy.]

[That's something he can agree with. He was on both sides of that decision in just the span of a couple days.

Riku still can't forgive himself--and he thinks that Varric's being way too quick to forgive him as well--but... he also can't bring himself to really argue it.]

I guess we both could have done things differently.

[It's about as close as he's going to get to conceding.]

I'm sorry it ended the way that it did.

[It's close enough. Varric'll take it.]

So am I. And yeah, we could have. But we didn't, and there's no use thinking about how it could've gone differently. Just remember it for the future. Not that it'll be happening again, as long as I've got a say in it. Both the outbreak, and the attack.

[There's a pause.]

So as long as Kloe keeps to herself for the first part, and as long as I'm conscious and sober, for the second.

[Yes, he's making a joke. This conversation's far too serious, it's what he does.]

[Do you really expect him to joke around right now, Varric? Come on. This is no joking matter. Not at all!

Riku doesn't crack a smile, but he -does- nod at the other man's words. Remember it for the future? No problem -there-. He wouldn't be able to forget the attack even if he -tried-.]

I think a lot of people feel that way. She'll probably be lying low for a while.

[At least, if she has any semblance of -sense- she will be.]

[Everything's a joking matter, Riku.

Well. Almost everything. After the part that's not a joking matter's been talked about enough that he thinks it's time to move on.]

She will be if she's smart. For her own safety, as much as anyone else's. I know there's a number of people who're out for her blood.

[Riku folds his arms.]

Seems like a waste of effort to me. Getting revenge on Dr. Bishop isn't going to do anything.

[And it's distracting them from the more important matters.]

[He smirks slightly, shaking his head.]

That's because you've got a brain, and the ability to use it to think logically.

[Not that others don't, usually. But some of them have - special circumstances.]

People're out for blood, but that's not much use when she'll just come back, without memories, and more of a risk.

Exactly. If they attack her now, we run the risk of this happening all over again.

[And this is why he likes to work alone!]

The last thing we need is another round of people dying.

[Once was more than enough, thank you, and he doesn't want to have to worry about Kairi's safety when it's an entirely avoidable situation.]

This is why I like you, Silver. I never get headaches trying to explain things to you.

[He pauses.]

When we're both in full possession of our memories, at least.

[WINCE. Great. He'd wondered if Varric was going to bring that up.]

Yeah. About that...

[How does he even begin to explain everything that had happened in his past?]

[And his attitude shifts slightly, though his vaguely amused expression doesn't change, more of his attention is focused on Riku now, open and willing to listen.]

Strange as it was, I bet I've heard much worse.

I find that hard to believe.

[He'd let himself get taken in like an idiot and had tried to kill one of his best friends because of it. He'd been -stupid-.

For a long moment, Riku can't find it in him to begin. But then he looks down to the table, and much like with the apology, forces himself to speak.]

Before Kairi or I ever came to the keep... our world was destroyed by dark creatures, known as the Heartless. Sora, Kairi, and I were all separated after that.

I tried to use the power of the darkness to find her.

[He looks up, chancing a glance toward Varric. He won't admit it, not even to himself, but he can't help but be a bit worried that the other man will be disappointed in him. That he'll have let someone else down because of his weak heart.]

It was a stupid idea. I didn't realize it was changing me, not until it was too late.

[Eyes back to the table.]

The way I looked when I came back is because of that. Because I wasn't strong enough to master the darkness in my heart.

[Because he -still- isn't strong enough to master the darkness in his heart.]

That's just because you haven't been to Kirkwall.

[But he falls silent when Riku starts talking, and stays silent while he does.

When Riku looks up at him, there's no sign of disappointment in his expression. There's no sympathy, either, but there is the slightest hint of something like understanding.]

You ask me, you're already a few steps ahead of some of the people I know. At least you admit it was a stupid idea.

[Unlike some of Varric's friends, who'd tried to use dark powers to help people, and are still sticking by it.]

So that other form, that's a reflection of this power of darkness?

[Riku doesn't expect sympathy--he doesn't -want- sympathy. It's more than he deserves.]

Yeah.

[At least, that's what it all boils down to in the end.]

Usually I can control it. But when I woke up, I didn't remember any of that.

[And if Varric knew that, this would sound even more familiar than it already does.]

There was a lot of that going around, people not remembering aspects of themselves that they were usually in control of. I'll count myself lucky you weren't the type to revert to being angry and glowy, or a massive dragon.

[He's not going to admit to being any amount of worried, when he'd had that conversation with Riku as not himself.]

Is that other form the only aspect of it?

I take it these are specific examples?

[If Riku were one to curse, this would be where the biggest "god damn it" ever would be going through his mind. How does Varric manage to ask the questions that leave him no wiggle-room for escape?]

No. It's not.

[His gaze drops back to the table, but when he speaks, his voice is strong.]

Before all this happened, there was a man named Ansem. He studied the darkness in depth, as well as the Heartless. He learned how to cast off his own body and use the darkness to take over a new one.

[He's not spelling that one out. He figures Varric can guess what he's getting at.]

I may have beaten him in Castle Oblivion, but a part of him is still there in my heart. Until I can master that, there's still a chance he could come back.

[A chance he could let himself fall into darkness again.]

You'd be right on that. I wasn't kidding about Kirkwall.

[Or here, apparently. It seems as though Varric can't help making friends with people who've got a little bit of darkness to them. Maybe that says something about it, but eh. Varric doesn't really care what.

He's starting to think he's figured out a little bit of why Riku's always so intent, why he seems to have forgotten how to have fun. Which isn't going to stop him from continuing to try to get him to loosen up a little, of course.

Justice hadn't turned him off poking at Anders, he's not about to quit here.]

You said you couldn't remember how to control it back there. So was I talking to you with no memories, or him?

[It'd seemed like Riku, albeit a confused and amnesiac Riku. But Varric's got enough experience with stuff like this to know that things aren't always what they seem.]

That was me.

Trust me, you'd know if it was him.

[He's a -dick-. For lack of a better description.]

[Text] - Sealed to Riku

[Text; sealed to Varric]

[Text; sealed to Riku]

[Text; sealed to Varric --> Commentlog]

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[Commentlog] ...i am so sorry for this tag /head in hands

[Commentlog] ...ffff I saw that in my inbox and got all worried

[Commentlog] MY BAD XD it just felt blah, nothing more!

[Commentlog] XD IT WAS FINE

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[Commentlog] tl;drs all over this mother AWRIIIIIGHT

[Commentlog] mmmmm delicious tl;dr

[Commentlog] all part of a daily well-balanced breakfast?